I’m just over done. Put a fork in me. I’m dead on my feet.
I left the house at 7:30 this morning for work, travelled my one hour and 20 minutes and 75 miles. I worked my ass off. They are adding duties and adding duties every day. It’s time I sit down with the owner, whether he has the time or not, I will ask him for 10 minutes. I can’t keep busting my ass for the peanuts I’m getting paid. I just can’t afford to do this anymore.
After work, I travelled my one hour and 20 minutes and 75 miles to a GA meeting. The meeting started at 7pm, we were done at 8:45. GB and I sat in my car and went over my financial inventory. I sobbed. It’s horrible. I hate it.
After we finished the inventory (10:30 or so), we prayed and then I came home. I’m not going to share the details of everything in that inventory, but let me tell you it’s not pretty and I have faced a reality I do not want to face. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, suiting up and showing up. I will stand up for myself and I will continue praying.
Until next time…
Post title from the Rent Soundtrack - One Song Glory by Adam Pascal as Roger.
I’m going to share some truths with you. Truths that most of us compulsive gamblers would rather you (normal people) not know about us.
Compulsive gamblers are control freaks by nature. We love to be in control, yet we balk at the responsibility that accompanies that control. We are judgmental and egotistical. We like to tell people how they should work the program. We like to push on them the fact that this is what worked for us, so it has to work for you.
I just got home from a committee meeting for the planning of our mini conference coming up in June. I sat back and watched most of it until the chair person, DT, said something that got right up under my skin. He said that he’s been stressing how everyone should sign up for the conference. It’s vital to their recovery.
I almost lost my shit. I told him he needs to stop telling people what they should do and just lead by example. It’s only vital to their recovery is they choose to make it vital to their recovery. None of us can force these people to sign up. None of us can force these people to show up at the conference. We plan it, prepare it and hope that tons of people show up for a wonderful day of recovery and fellowship.
He argued with me for 10 minutes after the meeting, telling me I totally misunderstood him, yadda yadda yadda. Miss Lucy met DT at the meeting I took her too when she was here. Her words? “DT has intense eye contact, I had to look away several times.” That’s DT. He’s intense. And he beleives his way is the best way for the rest of us to get recovery that we need.
I was so irritated by the time the meeting got over, I almost forgot what I had promised to get the communications chair. LOL I’m getting ready to start on that stuff now. I’m eating my dinner of salmon patties with black olives and garlic salt in them. YUM. Once I finish eating, I’m going to get to work on the GA stuff.
Until next time….
Tonight’s topic at the meeting was remaining teachable. I love that topic. I know that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I love it when I’m like a sponge and soak up knowledge that others have to share and the lessons I’ve learned are fathomless.
Someone got a 2 year coin today in GA. I shared that this person teaches me consistency. He is always at the Monday night meetings. Doesn’t matter if he’s late because of work or traffic, he’s there. Every.single.week. His dedication to the program and the consistent ways he shows it are awesome indeed.
I’ve learned a lesson of gratitude today. One that I wish I had not learned. My dear blogging friend Lisa, of Clusterfook has had a rough road lately and it’s still rough ahead for her. Please keep her in your prayers and thoughts.
I’ve decided I need to do something. I don’t know HOW to do it, so I’m going to lay it out here soon and ask my blogging buddies for some counsel. Just not in this post. Cause it’s going to be in a password protected post. It will be the same password as the last few. If you want it, let me know and if you are a regular reader of this blog, I will give it to you cause it’s not about anyone in the blogging world.
My stomach is upset. It was an eating meeting tonight and someone brought meat balls in this fabulous sauce that I just had to dip some chips into. Ugh. Yeah. Not liking that decision I made LOL
I have a very long today since I went in an hour early and then straight to my meeting after work. I just got home at 9pm. That makes it a total of 13.5 hours I was out of the house. I dislike that.
I’m going to go cuddle my dogs. I suddenly feel like I need that.
Until next time…
Throughout the last several years, people make suggestions on how to maintain my abstinence. Last night, I found a new piece of literature through GA I had not seen before. I posted something over on Shutterbuggin and here is my post for the Soda Stand.
First, I am going to give a short list of how *I* believe I will maintain my abstinence and then I will list what this Information Packet has listed as how to maintain abstinence for newcomers.
- Make GA my number 1 priority. It comes first over everything in my life. This includes coming first before family, friends, jobs, my dogs, everything.
- Go to meetings on a regular basis.
- Stay in constant contact with my Higher Power and other GA members
- Help newcomers become acquainted with the literature available.
- Read my One Day At A Time book for daily affirmations.
- Get involved and give back to the program. I can’t keep my recovery/abstinence unless I give it away.
- Try to live the 12 steps of recovery in my daily affairs and become a better person from the inside.
And now the 9 things listed in the Packet.
- GA comes FIRST. Nothing in this world is more important to the recovering compulsive gambler than GA meetings. A life may depend upon adherence to this principle precept.
- Attend GA meetings for yourself. The GA program is for the compulsive gambler who wants to live a better life without gambling. Please yourself first.
- Frequent contact between members is vital in order to maintain strength between or to gain strength during the rough times in our lives.
- Meeting other compulsive gamblers from other groups and areas will serve to remind each of us that there are others just like ourselves who really do understand and can help.
- The desire to become a better person, without gambling, is absolutely necessary in order to begin a long-lasting recovery program.
- Doing something about our everyday problems and character defects is a sure way to maintain an effective, long-lasting recovery. Remember - talk is cheap and words do not take action.
- The GA program will work for those who can admit and accept their problem on a daily basis.
- Give therapy at all GA meetings for your own sake as well as for others who may want to draw strength from you. Therapy is our medicine - give and take your medicine.
- Stop thinking about gambling. Give yourself a decent break!
I don’t really like the wording of this list. Something is rubbing me the wrong way about it. I don’t know what it is. However, I do like the message. So if I can read around the way it was written, I can get a lot of great suggestions out of this. For a new member, this list is a vital tool in their initial stages of recovery and abstinence.
Thanks for letting me share.
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I sometimes lose my center. I sometimes lose my constant that keeps me sane. And then I have a conversation with someone that reminds me that the constant/center has always been there. I just wandered away from it for a little bit.
My center and my constant is the GA program. It keeps me sane. It keeps me focused and it helps me deal with life in general. As I’ve been going to more meetings and getting more involved with the people here, I find my fear of the financial situation subsiding and I don’t have as many panic attacks.
Although the program doesn’t offer a solution to my problem (a full time job will do that), the people and the program itself give me the courage, strength and serenity to get through each day without losing my shit over the situation.
As I started going into another panic attack yesterday, I decided to sit down and look at my finances. I realized I’m more OK than I let myself feel or believe at times. Currently, all my bills are paid until the end of March. In looking at my weekly paycheck and what I have in checking and savings as of right now, I’ll be able to pay my basic bills (rent, utilities, car insurance) at the end of March and then I’ll be OK until the end of April. This offered me a lot of relief.
I’ll keep my focus on my center/constant for as long as I can and I will choose to do this daily.
Until next time….
I touched on my isolating a little in my last post. I want to delve into that. When Todd died, I felt like a part of me died right along with him. I was lost. My whole world imploded. A month before he died, I lost one of my other best friends in a bout of wanting that instant gratification, instead of thinking of the consequences before that. Our actions led to the death of our friendship. I was still grieving that friendship when Todd passed away.
When Todd passed away, I totally focused on that and did not finish mourning my friendship with the other person. I kept going to meetings, but I lost faith in a lot of things during that mourning process for Todd. I lost faith in the people of the program. I lost faith in my ability to continue my recovery journey. I almost went back out gambling, but I chose to keep going to meetings, in the hopes I would find that faith again.
I found renewed faith in the 12 steps of recovery and the fact the only thing that would get me through that time was the program. I did not trust that the people of GA would help me do anything. Many of my friends at that time felt and expressed those feelings that I should “be over it by now.” They kept giving me platitudes of “he’s in a better place;” “he’s no longer in pain;” “you’ll see him again one day;” “he’s finally cured and he died in recovery, you should be grateful for that.” WOW. I had so many resentments for the first year after he died.
I ended up apologizing and making amends to some of those people because when they would say things like that to me, I would end up treating them like shit. I would go off on them. I lost my shit on one girl down in San Diego at the national convention in October of 2005 because she told me I needed to move passed it and get over it.
I discovered tonight that my immediate need to go for the angry reaction was masking the REAL emotions I was feeling when people would say those things to me. It hurt my feelings. Todd was my soul mate. Todd was the ONE person in my entire life (not including family) who treated me with unconditional love, no judgment, no conditions on his love. He gave me his love without question. He had faith in me, he believed in me and together, we were best friends.
When he died and I was dealing with all those emotions, I realized I didn’t want to let anyone else get close to me. I didn’t want to have another “go to person.” I was lost. I’ve been on a path since that day which has led me to where I’m at today. I am not the same person I was before he died. I am not the same person I was right after he died. I am a combination of the person I was and the person I want to become. When I moved here, I took the opportunity to isolate myself in that I am not getting that involved with the people in GA here. The only person I’ve made an effort to have in my life and my recovery journey is GB and his wife BB.
I love the fact GB called me on my shit tonight. It now opens a door for me to walk through into the next chapter of my recovery journey. It opens a door for me to deal with any feelings and emotions I have left over from the loss of my two best friends. I promised GB I would start working on all of this. And he promised he would walk next to me during this journey.
What a miracle that is. To have someone willing to listen to me and not judge me for the things I’ve done in the past, but look at me with fresh eyes and say “You are a good person, but you are in pain. We need to work on that.”
I went to my Friday night meeting tonight. It was awesome. There were 10 of us there and it lasted a full hour and 45 minutes. We were all chatty tonight. A few days ago, a member here suggested I get a sponsor locally. While still keeping my sponsor in Vegas. I took this into consideration and prayed on it. I then knew exactly who I would want to be my sponsor here in the Ville.
It’s no secret that GB and his wife have taken me under their wings and have helped me try to acclimate to this new town of my choosing. It’s no secret I think the world of this man and the recovery path that he is walking. In GA, we are also told to find someone that has something we want and then do what they did. If you do that, you’ll get what they have. GB has something I want. He has serenity and peace and self awareness and the strength to make the changes he needs to make. Even when it makes him uncomfortable.
After the meeting, I asked him for some counsel on two things. I let him know about the GA member who talked to me about needed an office manager. After the initial excitement that he would talk to me about possibly offering me this job, I started getting a sick feeling in my gut. My gut was telling me something. I got to the meeting and spoke to another member who has 15 years in the program about this. He opened my eyes quite a bit. And then after the meeting, I asked GB because in order for me to make an educated decision on this, I need several points of view. And since I don’t know this other member from a hole in the wall, I needed to find out. GB told me to follow my gut. So. This means I won’t be accepting that offer of employment from the other GA member. In Vegas there is a saying “Don’t do any business other than GA business” with other members. I’m going to stick with that for a bit. I will still meet with him next week for lunch to discuss it, but I have a feeling I’ll be turning that down. My gut tells me so.
I then asked GB to sponsor me here. I let him know that I would most likely have two sponsors. My sponsor in Vegas and then him, if he accepts. He is going to talk to his wife about it, out of respect for her, and let me know tomorrow. However, he’s already given me an assignment as a sponsor, so I have a feeling she won’t have a problem with it.
GB and I stood outside the church where the meeting was at talking for almost an hour after the meeting. I finally got to a point where I could not feel my toes so I had to go. LOL
What I really like about GA is that people are not afraid to call me on my shit. I may be self aware to recognize when I’m doing something self destructive or will lead me down a path of unhealthy living, but to have it vocalized by someone who is concerned about me is an awesome feeling.
GB pointed out to me that I am isolating. I go to meetings, I talk to GA members when they call me, but I don’t put myself out there. I’ve been aware of myself doing this since I moved here. I don’t call them. I have only called GA members when we’ve been working on something else (ie: all that literature I was typing). We chatted for a long time about my isolation tendency and WHY I isolate. It was revealed that since Todd died, I have shut myself off. I have put up a wall of distrust with people in the program. Actually with people in general. If I don’t let them get too close, it won’t hurt so much if they have to leave. Get where I’m going with that? So GB and I are going to work on that first and foremost.
And then…in like 11 hours, I’ll be heading over to Miss Laci’s house so we can venture up north to see our bitches!!! WHEEEEE I can NOT wait!!! I’m looking forward to the four of us being together, hanging out and just being together. It’s going to be an awesome weekend!
Until next time…
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I went to a meeting tonight. It started at 7:30 and is only 3 miles from my apartment. Which is awesome! I thought I’d be driving all the way to the south end for a meeting. And then I discovered this one! WHEEEE
The 2nd Friday of each month, they discuss the topic of the steps. Tonight we discussed the 2nd Step of the 12 Steps of Recovery.
This is the GA version of the 2nd step:
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking and living.
This is the AA version of the 2nd step:
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I love this step. When I worked this step in the early years of my recovery journey, it was eye opening for me. I researched several religions and belief systems when I was doing this step. I was lost and I didn’t know what I beleived. After working this step, I’ve incorporated a lot of what I learned from other religions/belief systems into my spirituality.
One thing I’ve learned is that I can believe in a God of my own understanding, that’s not my issue. My issue is trusting in that God of my own understanding. I’m a control freak. I like things to go a certain way and when they don’t, I get frustrated. Unless I’m trusting in my Higher Power and trusting that the outcome will be what HE has in store for me, not what I have in store for myself.
My current situation is hard, difficult to think about and frightening. Without my faith in my Higher Power and believing he will see me through this, I would be a total nut case. Although I do still lose my mind on occasion, I believe He will take care of me. My Higher Power helps those that help themselves and who do the footwork to get what they need/want in life.
There is a poem on the inside of our yellow combo book that says:
I sought my soul, but could not see
I sought my God, but he alluded me
I sought my brothers and sisters, and found all three.
I couldn’t find the three at the same time, until I came to believe in that Higher Power. Without that, I’m a goner.
Until next time….
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I was taught in GA that we can’t grow spiritually without some growing pains. I’m experiencing them now. Right now. Right this second.
I just got off the phone with my sponsor back in Vegas and she said something to me, which made me really think hard and I realized a few things. I realized I forgot to ask my Higher Power for direction. I forgot to ask for guidance. I’ve taken care of that now. I’m going to be putting it in my God Box that I have. Actually, my friend Renee made me this God box. It’s purple and has cross stitching all over it. I PPH it. I’m going to write my question for Him and put it in my God box and let it go.
I know that I’m doing OK here. I know that I made the right move. I’m letting my fear engulf me and I don’t like it. I’m letting that fear paralyze me into a depressed state and some days are easier than others for me to see this.
Today is one of those days I see it, I recognize. Now I just called it out and I need to deal with it. I’ll deal with it by Letting Go and Letting God. I’ll deal with it by putting it in my God box and walking away.
After the new year, most likely January 2, I am going to get my phone book out, put my business suit on, make some copies of my resume and walk my ass into some temp employment agencies in this town. I will have a job by the end of week. Whether temporary or not, at least it will bring some income my way and it will hold me over until I get a more steady, full time job. I’ve sent my resume online to these agencies, but nothing has come of it, so I’m going to go meet them face to face. Harder to ignore this bitch when she’s standing in front of you.
There is a solution to every single problem I encounter. I just have to choose to find it, rather than wallowing in the problem. I’ll get to where I’m going. Stepping out on faith and learning to live with these growing pains.
Until next time…
In the last 6 1/2 years, I’ve been on the look out for anything that will improve my spiritual health. So I find it quite appropriate that I found a website of an organization that offers classes in a Spiritual Healing School.
InnerFocus offers a Basic Training, which offers dynamic tools for self-healing. There is a curriculum to follow and everything.
They teach meditation as an important method for allowing higher energies to flow freely th rough your chakra and energy systems.
I really like their website, it’s easy to navigate and I find the subject matter extremely interesting. Since I’m always on a quest to get better spiritually and find my center, this website has helped me tremendously.
Now excuse me while I go play on their website, and go grocery shopping for a few things I need for my trip tomorrow.
Until next time….