The Soda Stand

Archive for the ‘Recovery’ Category

There are several behavior and character patterns that I’ve worked really hard to get out of over the years.  I’ve never made it a secret about some of my past and I’ve never lied to anyone about my past.

While I’ve never straight out lied about my past or anything going on with me now, I’ve  just left out some important information and to me, that’s as good as lying.

I’ve bared my soul for the world to see on this blog and I’ve found therapeutic suggestions and answers to my biggest dilemmas.

I’ve never been one to be outwardly cryptic on this blog, but today that’s changing.

They say confession is good for the soul.  Do you believe that?  Sometimes, I do believe it.  I confessed something over the weekend and while I felt better in one way, I felt worse in another.  One of my best friends helped me with that.  It gave me a little peace in talking to someone who is always there for me.

I guess it’s just one more stepping stone of growth to get to where I need to be.   Before I left Las Vegas, I had done some 4^th step work on my issue with certain things in my life and I really thought I had learned how to live with that part of myself.   I thought I had moved past it and grown beyond it.  I have found out over the last several months, I really haven’t.   While I recognize it quicker and sooner, I still find myself in those patterns of self destructive behavior that do no one, especially me, any good.

At the same time as recognizing it and knowing what I need to do, I don’t do anything to change it.  I remain in the pattern and let myself swirl around this big whirlpool of self destruction.

I see the answers before me and I do nothing to obtain them.  I’ve remained involved in GA and I’ve been making sure to hit at least one meeting per week, if not more when I either feel like or I don’t.

I don’t think I’m finding everything I need in GA.  I have found ways to deal with urges and desires to gamble and I haven’t had one of those in years.   I’ve learned how to look at myself in my mirror and be objective and know when I’m sliding away from the side of right that I am usually so proud of.  Obviously, something is lacking within me and I don’t believe GA is offering me those answers right now.

I’ve considered outside therapy, but at this point, even with insurance, I cannot afford the co-pay.   I’ve looked into the EAP at work and find that while they don’t charge my insurance for the first appointment, they DO charge a co-pay.  I simply cannot afford to send more money out without more money coming in.  It’s so tight right now and for the next several paydays, I am just letting myself move slowly and take it a step at a time.   

In the meantime, while I wait to start making more money somewhere either online or outside of home, I’m going to continue going to my GA meetings and I’m also going to start going to one Al-Anon meeting a week, or more if they suggest it.

I have felt a lack of connection with the fellowship in GA and so maybe I can find whatever is missing on the inside at the other program.  Or it can help me look deeper in places that GA doesn’t go too. 

I guess we’ll find out.  It certainly won’t hurt me to go to those other meetings.  It might even help me to get off my ass and make a few changes that I know I need to make. 

For now, I’m going to continue what I’m doing to improve my self image and my self worth.  I will continue talking to those friends I know I can turn too and just hope that through all of this, I can learn from my mistakes and really, truly move forward with my life.

I’ve been pretty disheartened with the GA meetings here in Kentucky.

Bare with me as I express my feelings and thoughts on a few things.  Know that I’m hitting a meeting tonight and the last week where we had all meetings canceled really messed with my schedule, ya know?

I know that I miss the frequency of meetings found in Vegas. And I know I need to get to an acceptance level for this.

In Vegas, there were close to 90 meetings a week, every day of the week. Most days, there was a meeting at 8am, 10am, 1:30pm and 8pm. Other days, there were even more with ones starting at 4pm, 6pm and midnight on the weekend.

Here in Louisville, we have a total of 9 meetings per week – which is a lot for more of the areas around here, however for me, having “grown” up in the program in Vegas – it’s not enough. The membership numbers here don’t even compare to the ones in Vegas.

I’m in a different city and state and I need to learn to accept it the way it is, only changing what *I* do.

I’ve made a list of what makes me so unhappy with the meetings here and the fellowship in general.

• Lack of structure & discipline in the meetings.

• Hearing about nothing but gambling while in the meetings. (I am used to hearing about recovery, not the disease)

• The ability to go to a meeting at any time of the day, 7 days a week.

• The way the meetings start and end at the listed times on the meeting list.

• Being able to miss a week of meetings and make it up within the weekend (ie: Miss my work week meetings because I’d rather sleep! & go to two or three on Sat/Sun)

• The way people would not be judgmental or angry at me for not making meetings – but still staying in touch with me to make sure I’m actually alright.

I’ve been tempted to start going to NA or AA meetings on a regular basis, just to get some recovery shot into my veins.

When I’ve gone to the NA meetings here, I’ve heard recovery and disease and most of all, stories of hope and love.

While I HAVE heard some of those similar stories in GA meetings, it’s mostly about how they used to be – not how they are now.

Am I judging them? Possibly.

Although, I don’t think it’s too much to ask that I want to hear recovery stories, rather than disease/gambling and horror stories.

During my sharing, I do touch on how I used to be, but I try to focus on how I am now.

I do know, however, that if I were to call any of the GA members here in Louisville, they would be there for me the exact way the Vegas members were.  They would help me as much as possible and do what they could for me.

The fellowship is what I need to focus on and I think that will help me get back into that level of acceptance I’m lacking at the moment.

7 and a half years ago, my life was undisciplined and I had no structure.  The only place I found those two things was at work.  And even there it was hanging by a thread.

I look to my GA meetings for those two things.  I look for that structure.  I look for the discipline of the meetings.  I look for being responsible.  I seek these things in GA because without GA, I would not have them.

Since I moved here, I know I’ve complained about the way the meetings are conducted.  I’ve complained about the lack of structure.  I’ve complained about the lack of discipline of the person(s) leading the meeting.   I have a format that I distributed and it seems no one here wants that structure of the format.

I got to my meeting last night 15 minutes after it started.  I apologized for being late and found they were still reading the book and had not even done announcements yet.  Ummm yeah.  15 minutes for that?  WTH?

This meeting is scheduled from 7pm until 8:30pm.   To me, these meetings should start on time and end on time.  Promptness is something else I look for in GA.

At 8:30, they were still letting people share past that and I finally left at 8:40p.m.   I told GB, who was sitting next to me that I had to go.  I got up, put my coat on and left.

I know this is my issue.  I know this frustration at the lack of discipline and structure is about me, not really about them.  However, I also know that if we don’t seek and find that discipline and structure, it’s a waste of time.  I’m trying to change who I was, I’m trying to be a different person.  I don’t want to be the same undisciplined person I was before this program.

I miss the meetings in Las Vegas.   I miss the promptness of starting right at the start time.  I miss the prompt ending of the meetings when they are supposed to end.

What is so hard about ending these meetings at the time they are scheduled to end?  What is so hard about introducing this discipline and structure?  We’re addicts.  And as addicts, some tend to push away change and figure if they are “clean” or “abstinent” that’s good enough.  It’s not good enough for me.  I want that clean time.  I want that time away from a bet/my addiction but I do not want to remain frozen in time.   I want to grow and learn and see what this world has to offer me.

Until next time…

I have these moments. Moments when I can feel change within myself. Moments when I know it’s time for another evolution of my life, my emotions, my way of thinking and living. Sometimes it manifests itself in different ways.

For me, this time, it was the NA meetings I’ve attended as a guest. I’ve been spending the last few days online, looking at different 12 step program literature.

What is strange, is that I got an email tonight from one of my readers, asking me something about AA related material. So this sent me on a research mission to figure out the answer. I don’t know if I answered the question, but it gave me a few new websites to ponder.

In turn, I found the Al-Anon/Al-Ateen website. Al-Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics. Practicing their disease, in recovery, or living sober but still “drunk.”

Is Al-Anon for me? I’m going to “bold” the answers that I say yes too.

Al-Anon is for families, relatives, and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking. If someone close to you, such as a family member, friend, co-worker, or neighbor, has or has had a drinking problem, the following questions may help you determine if Al-Anon is for you:

Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation?
Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments?
Do you fear criticism?
Do you overextend yourself?
Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior?
Do you have a need for perfection?
Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?
Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?
Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?
Do you isolate yourself from other people?
Do you respond with fear to authority figures and angry people?
Do you feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of you?
Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?
Do you confuse pity with love, as you did with the problem drinker?
Do you attract and/or seek people who tend to be compulsive and/or abusive?
Do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone?
Do you often mistrust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?
Do you find it difficult to identify and express your emotions?
Do you think someone’s drinking may have affected you?

Guess what all this means? I’ll be heading to a meeting soon. The sooner the better.

I realized what I’ve been missing for the last year in the GA meetings I go to. When I came here, I thought the meetings strange and unruly and just annoying. I eventually got used to it, but still find myself a little peeved by the end of some meetings here.

Tonight, I went to a meeting in another fellowship, someone I sponsor in GA was celebrating 11 years in this fellowship.

I got to the church over in J-Ville and it felt more like the meetings in Vegas. Different fellowship, identical emotions. As I walked up to the entrance of the church, I stopped to finish my cigarette and there were some people already out there smoking. They engaged me in conversation and we talked for about 5 minutes before I headed in to meet my sponsor.

My sponsoree was at the front of the room (as is the tradition in celebration meetings in this fellowship), so I sat next to her.

The chair person of the meeting called the meeting to order at exactly 7:30. She read through a format already provided (like in the GA meetings in Vegas) and we proceeded with the readings (much like at a GA meeting.)

Since it was a “birthday” celebration, there were two specific speakers that My Sponsoree had chosen to speak at her celebration meeting. In this fellowship, you get to choose the format of the meeting when it’s your celebration. However, the meeting ends PROMPTLY at 8:40.

As the meeting progressed, we listened to the readings from their text book (it’s much like the yellow book we read from in GA), they did key chain presentations. People getting 30, 60, 90 days, 6, 9 and 12 months or 18 months. And above and beyond that, “multiple years of recovery.”

After the key chain presentations, the chair person called on the speakers. The two speakers did their speaking and then My Sponsoree’s sponsor in THAT fellowship presented her with a coin recognizing her 11 years.

My Sponsoree then spoke for a few minutes and the chair person read announcements. We then joined in a circle and recited the Serenity Prayer.

Structure. The meeting started at exactly 7:30 and ended promptly at 8:40. In the last bit of the format provided, the chair person said that if you didn’t get a chance to share, get with someone after the meeting was over. Simple.

Structure. Each speaker was set to a time limit and if they started going over, the chair person motioned to them to start wrapping up.

Structure. No cross commenting. No people telling me, right after I’m done sharing, their perspective on what I shared. No people interrupting the speaker to insert a joke.

Structure. Promptly beginning and promptly ending when it’s supposed too.

Structure. This is what I miss most about my meetings in Las Vegas.

I believe it’s time I email someone back there to send me a format and then start seeing how they would take it here.

The meetings here are AWESOME! Please do not misunderstand where I’m coming from.

I just miss the structure and accountability and stability that a structured meeting gives me.

The meetings here start out with the chair person asking each of us to read from the yellow combo book. The whole yellow combo book is then read. We do announcements and then every single person in the room is expected to share.

You don’t HAVE to share, but you HAVE to introduce yourself. If you try to not share at all, even your name, someone will call you out in front of the whole group of people.

Sometimes I like to just sit and listen. Sometimes, taking the ear plugs out and zipping my trap is the best thing I could do.

I miss my structure. I need to find it.

Until next time…

At the GA meeting last night, a new friend invited me to go to her celebration of 11 years in another fellowship.

I feel very blessed that she would want me to be there for this celebration.

It’s across the river in Souther Indiana and I’m quite looking forward to it. I’m sure I’ll feel the way my three bitches felt when going to a meeting for the first time.

I’ve never been to a different 12 step meeting, so this will definitely be worth it to me. I’m only nervous about one thing, and since I’ve already expressed myself to both Miss Monique and a co-worker, I’m not going to talk about it here.

Today was Platoon 2 and I got to see one of the most beautiful people ever created. He’s married though, so I try very hard to pretend he does not exist. LOL Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

I do have to say though, Platoon 2 day is NOT as fun when my favorite Major is not working. He’s on Platoon 1 now. Is it Thursday yet?

I worked an hour and a half overtime with Manager Lady. We had a few things to finish up with the cleaning of files and what not. Tomorrow, Shred It will come in and take it all away. I will then be the proud owner of a shitload of boxes for my packing and cleaning up phase here.

Once all that is taken out, we are going to stay and clean and rearrange stuff. I’ll be sure to take a t shirt though because today, I had my sweater on and I thought I was going to die from heat exhaustion while working.

I came home from work and made some chunky soup. It was tasty!

Until next time…

Hi, my name is Sodapop and I’m a compulsive gambler.

I think about my recovery a lot. It forms my days. It starts me on a journey throughout the day of how I will try to live my life. My whole way of thinking and living changed when I stopped gambling. It had to change, otherwise I would have died.

I have a compulsive gambler inside of me, waiting to show her ugliness. I have a disease that tells me there is nothing wrong with me. I have a disease that is not visible to the eye of a passerby. I have an addiction that is not visible physically and is not substance based.

I have a healthy, fearful respect for my disease. I know that it sits quietly, waiting for me to get into that mental blank spot where it can talk to me and make me believe it. There is a song by Three Days Grace called Let You Down. The moment I heard it, I knew it was my disease talking to me…..

Trust me
There’s no need to fear
Everyone’s here
Waiting for you to finally be one of us

Come down…
You may be full of fear
But you’ll be safe here
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down,
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

Trust me
I’ll be there when you need me
You’ll be safe here
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

Never want to come down
Never want to come down
Never want to come down

(Down, let you down)

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

Those lyrics fill me with rememberance of how I was when I gambled. Those lyrics speak to me as if my addiction is speaking to me.

I have never forgotten my last bet. When I first came into the program, some old timers kept reminding me to never forget that last bet. “Once you forget that last bet, Sodapop, you’ll go right back out there. Because you forgot the pain.”

My last bet was July 29, 2001, Sunday evening at approximately 9:44 p.m. I walked into my first GA meeting at 8pm on the following day, Monday, July 30, 2001. I hope I never forget the pain of those two days. I hope I never forget the pain of turning my life around to what it, and, who I am today.

Thanks for letting me share….

I used to always say that as long as I “accept” whatever situation, I could get through anything and be OK. As long as I found the acceptance level and became willing to just let it be and not try to control the situation, I would be alright.

I lost my acceptance. I lost my willingness. The second I found out I might miss Thanksgiving with my family, I lost my mind. I became angry and frustrated. I became fitful and depressed. I started feeling like a little kid, stomping my feet when my parents make me do something I don’t want to do.

I went to a 7 year birthday GA meeting last night. It was awesome and I know I needed to be there. My sponsor (that would be GB for those not in the know) cornered me after the meeting and said some things I needed to hear. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say, but I sure needed it.

Once again, he helped open my eyes and look in that mirror I’ve been pushing away. The addict inside of me has been acting out lately. I don’t want a second job, so I’ve been fighting tooth and nail finding one, while my financial situation gets worse and worse.

I’ve explored a few options and outside of living with a stranger (ie: getting a roommate into this tiny apartment), I need that second job. I need to make more money than I’m making now. I’m barely making my essential bills with what I’m making right now. Something has to give.

I’ve looked into that other apartment. I went over the deposit stuff yesterday and I was going to do it this week. I had just enough to pay the application fee and the security deposit. And then I realized I have my cell phone bill, power bill and cable bill that need to be paid this week. I had to weigh the options. Which one was more important? I’m paying the bills.

I’m going to call the apartment complex tomorrow and see if they could hold it until my next payday, when I know I’d be able to pay the $250 without hurting the bills situation. I’ll also suggest I pay the application fee now and then the security deposit on my next payday. Cross your fingers on that one!

Somewhere along the line here in Kentucky, I let my all important acceptance go out the window. I find myself feeling frustrated, lonely, angry and “attacked.” I sometimes feel like I’m being punished for moving here, which I know is not true.

I’ve been missing church and I need to get back. I need to get back in there and find my spiritual level of acceptance and willingness. I lost it somewhere.

I have a doctor’s appointment this morning, so I’m going to work late. I’ll work an hour over tonight and then go in an hour early tomorrow and make up the time.

I need to push the Avon stuff, so I can start seeing some sort of income from that. I think I’ve seen about $20 from it. Unless I’m missing something, that isn’t much to speak of for the last 6 weeks.

It’s Tuesday, which means it’s Platoon 2 day. This is my favorite day for eye candy at work. WHEEEE

Until next time…

I was honored, once again, by NYC Watchdog. Remembering to stop and smell the roses as I speed through life is sometimes difficult and just not happening. Dawg reminds me to do this. Thanks, Dawg

Not only did I get THAT awesome award above, but today is my seven year anniversary without making a bet! WHEEEEE

Hi, my name is Sodapop and I’m a compulsive gambler. It’s only through the Grace of God I’m here today. I’m very grateful to be here. My last bet was July 29, 2001.

Those words are spoken (minus the Sodapop and plus my real name) at every meeting I go to that I share in. Every meeting, I introduce myself as a compulsive gambler. This way? I never, ever forget where I came from.

I walked into my first GA meeting on Monday, July 30, 2001. I have not had to go back out there and “test” the waters to see how bad it still is for me. I have not had to relapse. I’m eligible to do this. I’m as close to my next bet as the newest member of GA when they make their first meeting. I just choose NOT to gamble today.

Seven years without sitting at a poker machine. Seven years without playing any kind of raffle or buying a lottery ticket. I have not participated in radio contests. I have not entered myself into any type of sweepstakes.

Seven years ago today, I felt like my world was crashing around me. I was tired. I was tired of being sick and tired. I was despondent. I did not know what I was going to do. All I knew was that I needed to quit gambling. I needed to stop doing what I was doing, expecting different results.

It was a Monday night 7 years ago. My aunt on my dad’s side walked me into my first GA meeting. I walked into that meeting with one expectation; I would never have to gamble again.

And then I learned I didn’t have to think of it as in “forever” or “never.” I didn’t have to think to myself “I will never gamble again.” I just had to think of it in terms of “I do not have to gamble today.”

I was an escape gambler. I would gamble to escape loneliness. I would gamble to escape real emotional connection with other people. I would gamble if I was happy, sad, depressed, in between. I would just gamble to escape. I started going almost everyday near the end there. I didn’t want to live life on life’s terms. I did not want to deal with the emotions I had raging inside of me.

Today, it’s a different story. Today, I’m a different person. I’m constantly growing and learning. There seems to be an evolution of Sodapop every six months or so. And the end result always seems to be better than before.

I have a tradition that I have upheld the last seven years. Today is my date of abstinence, we are having a celebration meeting (I get to get my grub on!) on Friday, however, I’ll be making a meeting tonight. Whether I’m recognizing on a different day or not, I ALWAYS make a meeting on my abstinence date.

I will keep reminding myself this is NOT a graduation (as I remind myself every year) and I will keep growing. As long as I remain teachable, there is no limit on how I will grow and heal.

Thanks for letting me share.

Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed – Step 6 of the Gamblers Anonymous 12 Steps of Recovery.

There is nothing like looking in the mirror of your character defects. Every now and then, I HATE looking in that mirror because then if I recognize something, I’ll have to call it out and then deal with it. And sometimes, I just like to let myself stew and keep this one defect of character, or maybe fear keeps me from wanting to face it. Fear is most likely the cause of everything I don’t do currently.

I’m working on Step Six with my local sponsor and he’s had me filling out these “Daily Inventory” sheets for the last 2 months. Each sheet has a column for each day of the week and then 2 sub-columns under those days of the week. One column for positive and one column for negative.

I had to go through and mark each day on whether I was “positive” or “negative” with that one defect/trait. OH MY GOSH!

Here is a one day example of what I filled out:

Positive Negative

Aware of Others Self-Centered _____ _____

Thoughtful Self-pitying _____ _____

Cheerful Depressed _____ _____

There are 41 things like this. Each day of the week has the P and the N. My assignment was to go through each day of the weeks and mark whether I was “cheerful” or “depressed,” etc.

Last week? I had more negatives than positives. Overall? I’ve had lots of “depressed” “tense” “worrisome” “panicky” “intolerant” “self-pitying” “lazy” “procrastinating” and “aimless”

GB and I will be going over this stuff in a week or so and I’ll move onto Step Seven (Humbly asked God, of our understanding, to remove these shortcomings.)

Wish me luck!

Thanks for letting me share.

Until next time…