The Soda Stand

Archive for the ‘life’ Category

I made it a point to be absent from most online entertainment (except WoW and Facebook) this weekend.  I did not read blogs, write on this blog or get on Twitter.

I’ve had a lot of stuff going through my head and I’ve put it all down on paper (actually in Word!) and I’m working through it all.  I’m almost done with school for a week and a half.   It will be a nice little break, I think.  I struggled more this term than the first one, but I’m hoping I can over come those struggles this next term that starts when I get back from Georgia.

I’m still wanting to leave here, but I know it may not happen anytime soon and I’m okay with that.  I know that I need to be patient and give it time.

I worked my 2nd job on Saturday and I don’t think I got to sit down for more than 20 minutes at a time, which is good I guess!  I was constantly answering phones, helping people who came in and taking rent payments.  I also did my first lease signing and move in inspection by myself.  That was interesting hahaha

I was quite pleased that the Saints won the big game last night.  First appearance, first win.  It was a good game.  I didn’t really watch the commercials or the halftime show.  I am not a fan of The Who and I switched channels immediately when they came on.

I am off to do payroll and half a long Monday.  Hopefully it’s a good one though and payroll goes smoothly!

Until next time…

I was sitting at work yesterday when, fairly early in the morning, I realized a few things.  I learned something about me and I learned something about people.  It was like a light came on and I had me an epiphany.

I’ll be doing this in bullet style.

• I learned that sometimes the person who is gossiping with you about a co-worker will turn around and gossip ABOUT you to another co-worker.
• I know this is a behavior I’ve done myself, here at work and outside of work.
• I learned I don’t want to be that way anymore.
• I’ve added this behavior to my self-improvement plan of things I need to improve upon and not do anymore.
• I learned I’m more patient than I gave myself credit for when it comes to some of the requests at work.
• I wish I could learn that patience outside of work and with myself.
• Shoulda, coulda, woulda will make regrets seem bigger than life sometimes.

While I rarely, if ever, participate in malicious gossip mongering anymore, I still do it.  There is this one person at work that several people talk about.  I laugh and just let the talk continue.  This makes me just as culpable as the people saying it.  Letting this talk continue in my presence is something I need to work on.  I don’t want to be culpable in that anymore.  It’s not who I am and it’s not who I want to be.

I’m human and I know that I am not perfect.  I’ve gossiped.  I’ve talked badly about people and I’ve been a bitch to several people in my past.  I don’t like that part of me.  I just don’t.  I think it’s mean and rotten just for the sake of being mean and rotten.  If the person has done nothing to me personally, I’m going to be working on not talking about them at all.   I also will work on it with those who DO stuff to me personally (supervisor, co-workers, etc). 

Feeling justified in my talking smack about someone (whether deserved or not) is not how I want to do things.  Just because that person is one way, does NOT make it okay for me to do it.  It does not make it okay for me to sit on this blog and talk shit about my boss or anyone else.  No matter how badly she treats me or how badly I’d like to punch her in the throat most days, I will be working on not talking about her on here after this post. 

It’ll be difficult for me.  Any type of change I make from the inside is difficult.  It’s a change of behavior and those are never easy to change.  I will slip and fall, but I’ll get back up and do it again.

The epiphany I had really opened my eyes to my own behavior and so you’ll get to witness yet another Evolution of Sodapop as I go through this transitional change of behaviors.

Until next time…

That’s how I feel today.  Although I’m in a fairly good space mentally, I’m just blah today.  I’m fighting this sinus infection thing again and it makes me cranky, but really, nothing majorly bad to speak of.  Work is the same, while I enjoy some of the time I’m in the office, the majority of it, I’m looking for excuses to go home and not be here.

I normally force myself to stay and just “suck it up” as most people would tell me to do.  Because, yanno, there are hundreds of thousands people who do not have a job.  Well ya know what?  That’s all fine and good, but this is MY circumstance.  This is MY situation and if I want to bitch about it because I’m happy?  Well then that’s exactly what I will do.   Do not get me wrong, I feel bad for the people who don’t have jobs.  I’m very grateful I do have one.  On the other hand, just because I’m grateful for the job, does not mean I enjoy it, like it or will not bitch about it.   Just so ya know.

Last night was the last seminar for one of my classes.  I really enjoyed that professor and her sense of humor.  I’ll be turning in my essay Sunday or Monday (depending on how much time I give myself to work on it on my one day off) and then I’ll also have to turn in my other paper that is due for the other class.  I have the last seminar for that class tonight.  I did not enjoy this professor.  At all.  However, I’m passing the class and with the turning in of my paper this weekend, I’ll be sure to lock in that passing grade.

Once this week is done, we’ll have a “reflective” week for week #10 and we’ll just discuss what we learned and how much we liked/hated the classes.   I’ll then have the week of 2/15/10 off from school and my new term will start up on the 24th.  Wooot!

In moving my trip to Georgia up a week, I’ve avoided having to be doing homework or school work or sit in seminar at all while I’m down there.  I’ll be able to enjoy my family time and not worry about anything else.  Except having to come back to the Ville once my long weekend is over. 

I was talking to a friend at work last night and he asked me if I was still thinking of leaving.  I told him I was, but it wouldn’t happen over night.  I need to be patient and see what happens.  I’m not in a super rush because of the economy and job market right now, but I am looking in that area. 

In a way, I’d like to try to make it last here a little bit longer so I can finish this degree off.  Although I can take these classes no matter where I’m living, I’d just like to finish em out here.  I don’t know why. 

I’m hoping with this “winter weather” we are supposed to be getting starting tomorrow that it gets the crap out of it’s system before my drive to Georgia.  I’d really rather not deal with crappy weather on the drive down there or back.  Ya know?

Now that my rambling thoughts have made their way to this page, I’m off to go to work.

Until next time…

SQUEEEEE it’s hump day!  One day closer to the Friday, which is one day closer to Saturday (my last work day of the week) and my one day weekend!  I can’t wait to be able to sleep in past 6am again!  I’m exhausted!  I’ve been fighting more congestion and allergies stuff, and it’s frustrating.  Just gotta take care of myself and keeping doing what I’m doing!

I was doing more research yesterday and found that the Atlanta area DOES have a high asthma symptom ratio.  *le sigh*  I’m thinking I’m just going to have to suck it up and wherever I move, make sure I find a doctor right away to help me keep it under control.  Ya know?  The best places on these lists I’ve been reading are out west (Arizona, Nevada, California) and those three states would completely defeat the purpose of me wanting to be closer to family.

Today marks the beginning of week #9 in school for this term.  Wow.  Just wow.  I’ll be working on a seven page essay for one class and a four page paper for the other.  But it’s the finals week and once I get those done, I’ll be done with school basically for 2 weeks!  Week 10 is usually just some discussion board stuff that has nothing to do with our grades.

I did my quizzes for week eight last night and then I played WoW for a few hours with Miss Jade, cause she created a character on my server so we could play together.  Hehe  I got her hooked up on vent and so we can now talk all the time when we are playing the game. 

I watched a little bit of the Lost premiere last night, but honestly, I can’t keep up with that show anymore.  It’s so confusing and mind boggling.  I’ll watch it off and on for the season, I’m sure. 

Until next time…

While I’ve not put everything into motion with my moving, I have been doing research on allergy and asthma symptoms in areas of the country.  Because seriously, it would defeat my purpose of leaving her due to my health issues if I move somewhere that will not help improve them, ya know?  My asthma and allergies and at a super high right now with the way this weather changes every five minutes and I don’t want to end up making these things worse with wherever I go.  

My focus is the Atlanta area and I noticed on a website I was reading last night that Atlanta was NOT on the top 100 of the worst allergy cities.  So this is good, right?  I also noticed that most of the bottom of this list are on the west coast.  I’d like to avoid the top 50 cities for worst allergies and asthma.  I really need to think about my health in all of this too.  I do know though, that allergies in Georgia are pretty bad sometimes and I need to aware of that if I choose to go there (which I most likely will). 

Currently, my asthma is pretty controlled with OTC meds and my inhaler.  I want to make sure that wherever I go, I continue that trend and not make it worse.  Stopping smoking would be a great start!

While I’ve set a “goal” of sorts to be out of this area within two years, I know that if it happens much sooner than later, I will not be disappointed.   Although, later would be a little better for planning things.  I’ve started making a list of things I want to box up and not use until after I move (books, knickknacks, etc).  I’m also considering what I even want to take with me.  Lists, goals and my emotions are all going down on paper each day.

I have not felt so comfortable with a decision in so very long, I’m almost afraid of how comfortable I feel with this.  While I know this will not take care of all of my problems (because, yanno, a lot of my problems are in the head), I do know this is going to be a good thing for me.

In 23 16 days, I’m going to be heading south to visit my family for the first time since July 2009.  This is entirely toooo long to go without seeing family, in my opinion.  My financial situation has improved quite a bit and I’m still working on that area of my life, but it’s at a point now where I was able to get my car fixed and got new tires for it too. 

I can’t go jetsetting anytime soon, but my bills are getting paid and I’m negotiating with some of my creditors from before.  These are all good things and I’m taking the steps necessary to try to get all that crap taken care of.

I have some TV to watch on the DVR, but I have homework to finish up tonight when I get home and I have two quizzes to take for school, so I’m going to have to put the TV watching on hold.  Just need to make sure it doesn’t fill up and stop recording stuff!

It feels good to have a home phone again.  I tried the cell phone only thing for over a year and I did not like it.   Having a home phone makes me feel “grounded” and rooted into where I’m at.  I don’t know why that is, but it’s how it makes me feel.  It’s also much more reliable than the cell phone here at home.

I think I’ve rambled enough for now!

Until next time…

I’m feeling the burn out from working every Saturday!  I knew I would, but I’m trudging through and trying to get a feel for the schedule.  It’s a pain in the ass working six days of the week!  Oh well.  Gotta do what I gotta do, right?

My grade has improved greatly in the one class I was struggling in.  Just trying to stay on top of all the schoolwork with the two jobs is a little overwhelming.  But I’m managing it and I’m going to get through it just fine.

Someone asked me if I was afraid to make such a big move when I finally find a place to go near my family.  I thought for about 2 seconds and responded “No, I’m not scared.  I moved 2000 miles away from Las Vegas to get where I’m at.  I’m pretty sure I can handle the 500 or so miles to my family.” 

While I’m incredibly ready for this transition to happen like yesterday, there are some people at the job I will miss greatly.  I will absolutely cry when I have to say “see ya” to them.  Some of the people here have been so good to me and such great people at heart.

I’ve been actively searching in the Atlanta area and I am crossing my fingers I get something lined up pretty fast.  I haven’t told the supervisor or Manager Lady yet, but I’m holding off doing that as long as possible.  Because really?  Supervisor Sybill treats me really badly anyway and I just know in my heart that if she knew I was planning on leaving, she would treat me worse.  Like ten times worse!

For about 30 minutes of my decision making process, I thought about going back to Vegas.   But in the big scheme of things, Las Vegas is incredibly unhealthy for me, spiritually and recovery wise.  While I need to really work on the recovery in my life, I know that Vegas is not the place to do it.   Wherever I go, there I will be and I’m aware of that and I’m okay with it.  No matter where I go, I’m still going to have to deal with my shit.

Someone asked me to list exactly what I do not like about this area and so I’m going to fulfill this request on this blog:

• The GA group.  I’ve never really felt a “part of” in this place.  While I think several of the members here have some kick ass recovery, I also think many of them are just abstinent.  Kinda like me right now.  lol
• Not being able to see my mother every weekend.  My mom and I are very close and being this far away from her is making me pretty miserable.
• The job.  While I enjoy quite a bit of the work I do, I really dislike the job greatly.  I think the people (supervisor) help this dislike grow a little bit each day.
• No social circle to speak of.  Yes, I could have applied myself more in this area.  However, the ones (social circles) I did try to get into were not my cup of tea and I did not enjoy the company of the people.  This includes the people from church.
• The fact I’m unhealthier physically than I’ve ever been in my entire life.  Since the first few months I moved here, I’ve had more sinus infections and allergy problems than I had in a decade before moving here.   I would have one or two sinus infections a year and here?  I have anywhere from 5 to 6 AND I developed asthma since moving here.
• Being so far away from my mom.  Oh wait.  I mentioned that, didn’t I?

Those are the basic, main reasons I do not like it here.   There are a lot of things I DO like about this area, I’m not going to try to say there is nothing promising about this city.  However, for me, this is not where I want or need to be anymore.

I’ve learned so much in the last 2.5 years, I really can’t complain too much.  I’ve been braver and more courageous than I ever was and I’ve made it.  I made it for this length of time on my own without going completely crazy or emotionally bankrupt! 

Until next time…

Any and all doubt about my decision to move from Louisville and find a different job somewhere else was laid to rest at work yesterday afternoon.

I think as a human being (and a woman), the doubts and fears I was feeling about it are normal and being who I am, I’m going to yo-yo this decision back and forth in my head, even though my heart knows it’s going to happen.

I was sitting at work, after having spent the last two days in a very good space with the supervisor when she lost her shit on me once again.   I’ve never, ever had a problem taking direction from a supervisor.  Ever.  Even when I don’t like said supervisor, as long as I’m spoken too like an adult and a human being, I’m good with following direction.

Thursday afternoon at 2pm, I was given some directions on something.  I didn’t agree with it, but I knew I would do it anyway after voicing my opinion and stating the facts about the situation.  She lost it.  I sat and stared at her for a good 10 seconds thinking to myself “And you were doubting your decision to get away from this?”

All doubt left my head at that moment.  As she ranted and raved like a screaming banshee, I sat and stared with my mouth hanging open. 

After a few minutes of the banshee talk, she went back to a normal tone of voice and I said “okay, I’ll get it done.” 

And at that precise moment, when she walked out of my office, I knew.  I knew without a doubt and without fear I’m making the right decision.   I do, however, need to deal with this situation a little bit longer.  So I will deal with it and I will bitch about it and I will be okay.

Until next time…

After discussing things with my mom, my brother, Co-Worker P  and my BFF T, I put the post up from yesterday.   As soon as I talked to them and then hit “publish” on that post, I can not tell you how light and relieved I felt.  I spoke to four of the most important people to me and I felt wonderful doing it. 

Since that post, several concerns have been brought up to me, so I’m going to address them.

• This was not a rash decision on my part.  I’ve been thinking about this for months and months and finally decided to put it to paper and do something about it.
• This will not happen in the super near future.  With the way the job market and economy is right now, I’m going to hang onto this job for a while before actually putting my plan into motion.
• I am going to continue my college education now and when I move.  My degree will help me in the long run and I’m not going to give that up anytime soon.
• Research will be done and I will make sure I’m making this decision for the right reasons FOR ME. 
• I have been unhappy here for a long time and I’ve tried hiding it and/or fighting the feeling and faking the happiness.  I can only fake it for so long before I lose my mind and completely lose myself.  I’m done doing that.
• I am feeling strong and happy with my decision and know that I’m moving in the right direction.
• I do not view this as a failure and I will not “should” myself today or anytime soon.  Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
• I moved 2000 miles from everything and everyone I ever knew and felt comfortable with and I’ve made it 2.5 years on my own.  I’m proud of that.  I’ve grown and learned about myself.  I’ve become a better person and know exactly who I am.

While I don’t necessarily feel the need to explain my decision to everyone who had/has concerns, I do feel the need to let my readers and friends know some of my reasonings behind this and how I’m feeling.

I’ve been pretty shy about expressing how I feel on here lately and I’m done with that.  I welcome any and all comments, as long as they are constructive.  I will not tolerate any type of hateful, snarky comment or comments that “throw” stuff in my face.   I know my shortcomings and I know who I am.  I don’t need anyone to remind me of that.

Until next time…

A few posts ago, I mentioned I had a lot on my heart and mind, but was having trouble putting it all into words.  This is that post I was going to work on.

I finally realized what it is I’m having trouble putting into words.  Because, ya know, when I verbalize it or put it to paper, it becomes real and I have to actually deal with the shit.

I’ve been unhappy here for awhile.  I’ve been struggling emotionally, physically and mentally to remain upbeat and courageous and responsible.  And then it hit me after my post yesterday about work.

I realized just how unhappy I am here.  While I like the work I do, I’m unhappy 90% of the time when I’m at the office.  I’m unhappy with the GA groups here, I’m unhappy with the city in general (weather and the way it changes).  Basically, I don’t like it here anymore.

I’ve reached out to several people I’ve met in GA, here at work and I just seem to not want to be friends with them, or vice versa.  And there is really nothing wrong with that, but it does make for the lack of a social circle to hang out with when all of my friends (save Miss Laci and Co-Worker P) live in different states.

All of the above has led me to the decision and/or thought that I need to find a new place to call home.  While I’ve always struggled with calling this place home, it has been my home for over 2 years.  I do know that I will not return to Las Vegas, so I need to really research and see where I’m led by God and instinct.

I do not and never will view this as a failure of any kind.  I left Las Vegas fully aware of the fact I may not like where I’m going – it just took me 2.5 years to realize I don’t like it here.

All of the bad things that kept happening to me when I first moved here were like stumbling blocks and I would just trudge through them and come out the other side feeling happy and proud I made it through.  I’ve been feeling these emotions for a few months, I just had not put them on paper or in voice very much.  While I’ve never been quiet about not liking some of the people I work with and their ethics, I have tried not to bitch too much about where I live or this city – because I put myself here.

However, I can’t hide the fact that I’m unhappy anymore.  I’m extremely unhappy and I’ve tried several different things and methods to find happiness.  While I’m happy with ME,  I am not happy with my current living or working situations.   And since no one else can make me happy, I need to do what I feel is right for me and my happiness.

I won’t be talking about this on Facebook, since a lot of my co-workers have no idea I’ve made this decision, so Twitter and my blog here will be the places I talk about it.

While I feel a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel less stress in making this decision, now comes the daunting task of actually deciding where to go, finding a job, finding living arrangements and making sure (continued prayers, meditation, etc) I’m going to be doing this for the right reasons.

Until next time…

If you need the password for the post below, let me know and if I’ve had contact with you and know who you are, I’ll give it to you.  It’s the same password as always.   Since it’s about work, I needed to protect it.

Until next time…