Finding my way back…
It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling with something. What that something is, is anyone’s guess right now. However, instead of totally analyzing the shit out of it, I’m doing some positive things to find my way out of it.
I don’t know when my attitude changed towards GA, but I know it was several months ago. And most of my feelings about it have been there since I started going to meetings here, I just was able to accept them and ignore them for the most part. Until recently.
I can list all the things I like and do not like about the GA meetings here in the Ville. I can list all the things I like and do not like about the GA meetings in Vegas. Something happened within me that has made me not want to go to the meetings here. Something holds me back when I do go to the meetings. I’m not as open with my emotions and sharings as I used to be. Even though when I’m on the phone with a GA member, I can express my true emotions. Something has me feeling very uncomfortable at these meetings.
I’ve stepped up and talked to my doctor last week and we are working on finding a balance for my meds. I’ve looked into outside therapy and have found my finances just do not allow me that expense right now. I am working on this one though, as I’ve stopped to apply at a few places after work and am going again to a different place tomorrow after work to apply.
Once my finances improve and I’m not sitting in a negative balance every paycheck, I will revisit the outside therapy thing. I absolutely know that I could benefit from it.
I also know my depression and anxiety symptoms have increased quite a bit lately, hence why I went to the doctor last week to begin with. I start my new medication regiment tomorrow and I’m hoping that I will start feeling better emotionally within a few weeks.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting earlier this week and I got a lot out of that meeting. I know that I will be going to those meetings again in the very near future and I know it will help me even more.
As I walk forward down this new path, I stop and look back and realize something. I’m still happy with where I’m at. Could I be better? Absolutely. Could I be worse? Absolutely. I have noticed that even when I didn’t like what I was looking at in the mirror, I’ve been able to remain honest with myself. It just took me awhile to ACT on what I saw and the honesty I was expressing in my journals.
Everything I go through and everything that happens to me (as a result of my own actions or someone else’s) teaches me something. Every now and then, I don’t know what that lesson is until way past when I’ve learned it. And then other times, I know immediately what the lesson is.
Either way, I strive to remain teachable and approachable. I try to remain positive and work towards that everyday. While I know I could be better, I also know that I’m currently taking the steps to get better.
I have loving, encouraging friends who support me. I have a family that adores and loves me. Now I just need to let them love me until I can love myself again. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t HATE me right now. I am just not 100% and I know it. I feel it. I see it, I hear it, I taste it.
And now I’m going to go watch more music videos of Michael Jackson on MTV.
Sad day for the pop culture scene! Farrah Fawcett AND Michael Jackson passed away today. Hard to believe.
Until next time…
The GA meetings I went to with you seemed very negative. Some of the people seem nice but some just annoyed the shit out of me. Just saying. LOL
Monique – that’s what I’m having a hard time “accepting” right now. Most of them are so negative and all they talk about is the disease. I go there for recovery, not to be reminded of how I was during my active gambling. Ya know? They annoy the shit outta me too!
don’t rush yourself
IMHO it takes a while to get yourself back
i know i was guilty of rushing myself, give me more meds, give me more therapy, etc and so on
but ya know what, i gave up, went off all my meds(not something i recommend, unless you can hide in your room for a few months), gave myself time, lots of time, i was either going to get better or end it
and after a few months, i found myself again
but then, that was me, i do recommend meds and therapy, they do help,
but, and it’s a big but, i believe, you have to dig deep within yourself and
accept yourself with all your craziness’s
that’s just MHO for what it’s worth
once i stopped trying, it seemed i was better
almost overnight(that’s a joke) but it was accepting myself,
and my new friends look at me like I AM CRAZY when i talk about my depression, they don’t see or else are liars
LOL
MSNB (I would type it all out but I’m lazy like that, hope you don’t mind)
I agree. I don’t believe rushing myself in this process will get me anywhere but even more deep into my depression or anxiety.
I’m going to continue my meetings in both programs, and see how the new higher dose of medication does with me. After that, I’ll take the next steps if I find them to be necessary.
I’m glad you found yourself again
Thanks for sharing all that information about yourself. I appreciate it more than you know.
i’m glad i could help
it wasn’t easy and it took a long freaking time!
I don’t know what a GA meeting is, but it sounds like you are taking good steps towards being happy. Personally, I think you are wonderful. I hope you can look at yourself in the mirror and say the same thing. (Even if you feel you are lying at first.
I bet your friends and family don’t think so!)
Oh, after the refresh, I figured out GA! Maybe a different meeting would help? I had to do that with Weight Watchers. Not quite the same, but….
“Most of them are so negative and all they talk about is the disease.”
OMG, I know! Totally!I feel the same way about AA! Whine, cry, complain, shit go out and drink if you’re gonna be sober and MISERABLE. There’s people that are sober for years but do NOT change one other thing, besides not drinking. I changed SO many things about myself and how I live. Geez!
MSNB – it’s never easy sharing so much about ourselves, is it?
Lynda – If I was in Vegas, I’d be able to avoid the whole scene and go to meetings on the other side of town (they have 85 meetings per week there)…here, we have 9 meetings per week and the same people are at most of them. Can’t seem to get away from the negative nillies.
annie – Exactly!!! For me, recovery is about making my life better and moving forward, not being miserable and focusing completely on the disease. They live in it. They breathe it and I don’t want what they have.