The Soda Stand

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night.  For months I have felt like I’m not getting everything I need from GA and so I printed up a meeting list of Al-Anon meetings a few months ago.   I just now got around to going.  Yes.  I know.  I’ve been procrastinating.

My first impression of the meeting was comfort.  There were a majority of women in the meeting with a spattering of men members.  The chair person and a few others who were there before the meeting made me feel very welcome.  I got the new members packet/literature and we chatted a bit before the meeting started.

The meeting topic was honesty.  I let most of the others speak before I spoke.  I admitted that being in the other program has helped me move toward this group and that I have been making poor excuses to not attend my GA meetings.  Seriously.  I painted my fingernails the other night instead of going to a GA meeting.  How lame is that?  LOL

And then I moved on to the reason I was there.  My family history (my dad) with the disease of alcoholism runs deep and has penetrated several areas of my life.  It has really taken a toll on my relationships with men.  This is where I need the most help, I believe.

I also learned that this program is all about me, not a disease.  Just my reaction to the users/addict.  Interesting concept for me to grasp, since I am an addict by nature.  LOL

I believe I have a fear of commitment, and so I tend to attract and be attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable to me.  While on the surface, this bugs me, I think down deep it’s what I’ve been after. 

I tend to migrate towards men who need to be “fixed,” like the Neighbor Guy.  Thankfully, I was self-aware enough to see what I was doing and I removed myself from that situation and jumped head first (maybe feet first) into another situation with a co-worker that was completely toxic for me.

This one took me a few months to get out of.  I could see what I was doing, but I didn’t care.  I was just after that instant gratification.  Something eventually snapped and I removed myself from it. 

As I sat and listened throughout the meeting, I realized that enablers and care takers are just like me, the addict.  They become addicted to the addict themselves and the behavior that surrounds them.

I will now be working on myself, yet again, to see where this new evolution of myself takes me.  In a way I fear it and in another way, I’m looking forward to the changes I can feel happening within me.

I won’t know for a few weeks if I have found the part of me I felt was missing.  I do know that  by attending these meetings, as well as my GA meetings, it certainly can’t hurt me and they will most likely give me some insight into my own behavior and attitudes.

Attending the meeting last night was totally last minute and spontaneous.  I was looking for something and found the meeting list.  I felt the wild hair grow and I got dressed out of my jammies and headed out the door.   I’m glad I did.

I’m working on getting comfortable in my own skin again.  About six months ago, I was feeling good about me and feeling quite comfortable, but even then, I knew there was something lacking in my life.  Whether it was external or internal, I didn’t know, I just knew it was missing.     I’ve talked to my doctor and we are working on upping my medications and putting me on some anti-anxiety stuff for when I need it.  I’ve only had to use it once in the last week since I got it, which is good!

As I start taking this road of self discovery, once again, the fear is palpable and malignant.  I walk forward, knowing the fear may make me take a few steps backwards before I completely find what I’m after.   I’m looking forward to the discoveries within me and of dealing with them and completely facing my ghosts and dealing with my demons.

It’s high time I start running my life, instead of my life running me.   Lady Antebellum’s new song really inspires me and reminds of how I used to run to the program.  And now, I will have two places to run too when life gets crazy and I don’t know how to handle it.

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