This post is me venting.  I’m expressing myself here so I don’t have to express myself on regular paper and hurt my hand from writing it.  I’m also working this out in my head.

I’m watching Third Watch and drinking a small glass of milk. I hear that it’s supposed to help. I’m still fighting this heartburn/indigestion/whateverthefuckitis that I got yesterday after eating Taco Bell. I was sick all day at work, run down, feeling pukey, heartburn off and on.

I got home from work and looked up ulcers on WebMD. I’m going to call and make an appointment to see the doctor. When I have money. I still owe them money from my last visit and so until I have that money and money for the new visit, I am being a pain in the ass and stubborn and refuse to make the appointment. Yeah, I know it’s stupid. I don’t need a lecture.

The pharmacy has called me about my Lexapro prescription. I don’t have the money for that either. I would have it Friday, but they don’t open until after I’m already planning on leaving. I could push my leave time back a little bit, but I don’t want to hit Nashville or any other metro area at rush hour.

Excuses. All of that shit is excuses.

I’m feeling like crap physically. At least I’m not freaking out over the money thing. I’m just ignoring things that I shouldn’t ignore because I don’t have money. Again, excuses.

I wonder why I do this to myself?  Hmmm besides just not having the money for any of it, even when I do get money (payday) I spend it on other bills.  You know, like rent, car payment, cell phone payment so I can have some sort of connection with the outside world, car insurance, etc.  And then when I’m done paying all those bills, I have nothing left. 

Let’s hope this Avon thing keeps on going and I can supplement my income with it.  I’m giving it 3 months.  If it doesn’t pick up by then, I’m going out for a 2nd and 3rd job at a retail store for minimum wage. 

The spreadsheet project is coming to a close, so I won’t have that income on a regular basis anymore.  I get 10% of whatever sales he makes off those things, but out of all the ones I’ve entered already, I’ve only gotten commission on two sales.  Not something I can count on, that’s for sure.

I’m going to go lay on the couch now because I just feel awful.  I feel pukey and achey too.  I hope I’m not getting the flu.  I will become one cranky ass bitch if I get sicker before this weekend, during this weekend or even after this weekend.

I hope my mind shuts off and lets me rest for a bit.  I need it.  I need to sleep.

Until next time…