Two steps towards my future
I made two giant steps today towards my future in Kentucky. The first step was meeting with PERS to discuss my options.
- I’m eligible to retire because I have over 10 years in the system.
- Unfortunately it would be an “early” retirement with some HUGE costly penalities. I would take a 87.1% reduction in my benefits.
- I’m going to resign instead of retire. Let my retirement money sit there until I’m ready to draw it out. Either at age 60 or whenever I want in between now and then.
The second step I took today? I typed up my resignation memo that goes through my chain of command all the way up to the Big Boss. It goes through my boss, his boss and then two more steps before making to the Big Boss’ desk.
I thought I was going to throw up after step 2. It makes it very final and “real” for me. I went out back and had a cigarette and let myself have a good cry. I think I made my boss cry too, which broke my heart even more.
I’m actually still very teary eyed and I’m letting myself feel the sadness. I’m going to grieve for this job and I know this. I’m going to go through a mourning period where I learn to let go and live with the loss of the last 15 years of my life. And I’m OK with that.
I just didn’t think it would make me as sad as it has. And when I sit and let myself think about it, the only part that makes me HORRIBLY sad is that I made my boss sad. I made him cry and I hurt his feelings. And that, my friends, breaks my heart into little tiny pieces.
He’s been the best supervisor I’ve ever had, at any of the 5 jobs I’ve ever had. I’ve had about 11 supervisors while here at my job and by far, he’s the best. He was also my boss when I worked at Odyssey Records, so I knew we would get a long great. He’s become a very good friend to me and his wife has become a great friend as well. They’ve been very compassionate, caring and always there for me. Hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do, but it had to be done, so I can get on with my life.
I’m ready to cry again. I’m going to go out back, and cry again. I don’t want to cry here at my desk. That’s just totally against my beliefs. Especially around the people I work with now. They’d hold it against me or something.
Until next time…